Is Your Inner Critic Driving?

Time to Take Back Control

Do you have a savage little character running amok in your head? 

We all have some form of the Inner Critic. It’s the voice in our head that criticizes, corrects, and says, “not good enough.”

And while it may keep us motivated, some of us have gotten a little too comfortable letting our Inner Critic take control. (And spoiler alert…there are better ways to stay motivated!)

In last week’s post I talked about the voices in our head and how many of us process thoughts like an internal conversation. I compared it to a bus loaded down with the different versions of my personality…all fighting for the driver’s seat.

Well, the one version of me that I absolutely don’t want to drive the bus is my Inner Critic.

The Inner Critic: Friend or Enemy?

I once worked with a client, Charles, who attributed his success to his Inner Critic. “Don’t try to quiet that Inner Critic,” he told me, “unless you want to see this place totally fall apart!”

He believed the relentless voice in his head was what enabled him to maintain high standards. His Inner Critic had promised Charles that it would keep everyone in line (including himself) and help the team succeed. 

Unfortunately, our inner voices sometimes lie to us…just as Charles’ Inner Critic was lying to him. 

The voice that Charles attributed to his success was slowly destroying his team. By the time he started working with me, his employees were either quitting or walking on eggshells. They were tired of being controlled, analyzed, blamed, and criticized at every turn.

The way Charles saw himself was no different. To Charles, whether he looked at himself or his teammates, nothing was ever good enough.

His Inner Critic wasn’t his friend. It was his biggest saboteur. 

Catching Your Inner Critic: The Three Modes

The Inner Critic usually develops in childhood. By the time we become adults, our Inner Critic has been with us for so long that many of us believe it without challenging or questioning it. It becomes a deeply ingrained pattern of thought that’s so familiar, we barely notice it’s there. 

That, my friends, is where the Inner Critic is its most dangerous.

Our Inner Critic is a lasting part of our personality, and we can’t exactly get rid of it. But we can notice it. We can quiet it. We can keep it from driving the bus.

First comes understanding it. The Inner Critic has three modes:

• Judging the self: “I’m not good enough, I always screw up, why do I always do that.”
• Judging other people: “They really messed up, why do they always have to…”
• Judging circumstances or events: “This situation is so messed up, why does this always happen to me.”

Usually, one or two of these modes will be stronger or more frequent than the others. When my Inner Critic shows up, it’s usually judging myself and judging others, but it’s not so likely to judge circumstances. Like Charles, I used to err on the side of being micromanaging and critical with my team.

Once you understand that all these forms of judging are versions of the Inner Critic, quieting that voice becomes much easier.

Putting It Into Practice

Start by simply noticing your thoughts periodically. I suggest stacking the “thought awareness” habit onto something else you’re already doing. For example, when you’re brushing your teeth and your mind is wandering, get in the habit of pausing to notice what you’re thinking about. At first, it’s enough to simply notice, without judgment. You don’t even need to try to change it. Just notice your thoughts.

As you start to spot the Inner Critic in action, here are a few strategies I use that my clients have found helpful:

• Notice and name it: “There goes my Inner Critic again!”
• Create some distance by speaking to your Inner Critic in the third person: “I get that you’re upset that it’s raining on my day off, but it’s not helpful. It’s just rain. Let’s find something fun to do indoors.”
• Anticipate and prepare: Be aware of situations where your Inner Critic is likely to be activated and have a plan for how to quiet it. “I have to make a presentation today and my Inner Critic will probably show up. When that happens, I’m going to notice it, breathe, and remind myself that I am prepared and I know my stuff.”
• Make fun of it: Be lighthearted and poke fun at your inner critic. “Hey, you finally showed up to criticize me! What took you so long?”

Do you have more strategies you find helpful for silencing your Inner Critic? Reply and let me know what works for you.

*For privacy purposes, client names have been changed. Charles is not the real name of this client.