Thinking About Thinking

How To Manage Your Inner Dialogue

If I had to choose one skill I would want all leaders to learn, it wouldn’t be how to strategize, or delegate, or give feedback…even though all of these are important.

It would be learning to observe and manage their own inner dialogue. 

If you’ve been reading these emails for the past few weeks, you’re probably becoming more aware of your own inner voices. If you’re like most people, that awareness might be unsettling as you realize just how out of control your inner dialogue can be!

The saying “ignorance is bliss” comes to mind. But trust me, in this case, awareness of your inner dialogue is definitely better for you, your team, and your relationships in the long run. 

Managing your inner dialogue is the foundation for everything else you will do as a leader.  

But how do you actually take the reins of your inner dialogue and make it work for you?

Metacognition: Thinking About Your Thinking

The most basic and likely most impactful method to manage your inner dialogue is metacognition.

Metacognition sounds fancy, but don’t be intimidated. I think of it simply as the “practice of thinking about your thinking.” The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “awareness or analysis of one’s own learning or thinking processes.”

Metacognition moves you from first-person to third-person. Think of flipping a switch between in your thoughts to observing your thoughts. You step back and become a spectator to your own thinking process.

As a spectator, you can analyze your thoughts from a more objective, detached position, asking questions like…

• What assumptions did I make in this conversation?
• Did I let anxiety and stress dictate my perspective here?
• Was I listening to my Inner Leader or my Inner Critic?

This detachment doesn’t mean you care less about the results or the people involved. But it helps you break out of your typical thought patterns and not be so reactive, especially when the pressure is on.

Once you have built the muscle of meta-cognition, and you are more aware of your thoughts, you’ll notice that Inner Critic more and more. You’ll find it was always there; you just weren’t aware of it. If you missed my email from two weeks ago, check out these specific tips for managing the Inner Critic. 

Blameless Discernment: How to Bring Out The Inner Leader

One of the challenges of dealing with the Inner Critic and other voices is that they convince us that we need them…that we owe our success to them. 

Metacognition will help you recognize these voices. But once recognized, we need a strategy for drawing out the Inner Leader instead, which is where blameless discernment comes in.

Most people, myself included, have a habitual script in our heads whenever we fail or fall short. We tend to think we have two options:

1. Beat ourselves up and berate ourselves mercilessly, until we “learn the lesson.” (Hello… Inner Critic). 

2. Let ourselves off the hook, telling ourselves that everyone makes mistakes and it’s not our fault.

Blameless discernment offers a third way.

Blameless discernment says, “Hey, you screwed up. You can and should do better next time. Here’s the lesson to be learned. But you are still a good person.” Blameless discernment is like an internal parental figure that loves you unconditionally, but will still hold you accountable.

Blameless discernment is the voice of your Inner Leader being gentle but firm.

You might remember my client, Charles, who struggled with a fierce Inner Critic. Because he attributed his success to the Critic, Charles was highly suspicious when I suggested this idea of blameless discernment.

Being gentle with himself felt like a betrayal of his high standards. 

But this idea of the parental voice resonated with him. Charles knew from experience that when he berated his kids, they shut down. And when he let them off the hook, they didn’t learn important lessons. As a parent, he had found it was only through the firm, yet loving approach (very much like blameless discernment), that he was able to strike the right chord and make a positive impact with his children. 

Putting It Into Practice

Over the coming week, I hope you’ll play with these two skills:

• Metacognition: Becoming more aware of your thoughts, often by stepping back into a ‘spectator’ role.
• Blameless Discernment: Amplifying the “gentle parent” voice of your Inner Leader, especially when you make mistakes.

Used together, these two skills will go a long way towards helping you manage your inner dialogue.

I’m really excited for next week’s email, because we’ll take a look at some of the other voices (besides the Critic and Leader) that tend to take charge of our inner dialogue. You’ll learn more about archetypes such as the Pleaser, the Controller, or the Hyper-Achiever…and how understanding your personal saboteurs is an incredibly important part of leadership.

*For privacy purposes, client names have been changed. Charles is not the real name of this client.