The brilliant Simon Sinek implores us to “Start With Why”. It’s a question that’s intended to drill right to the heart of our purpose. When used effectively, “why” helps us create a vision that’s infused with energy and supported by passion.
Unfortunately, that’s not how most people use “why”.
“Why did you do it that way?” could simply be a bid for understanding. But with just the slightest change in tone, emphasis or even body language, this and other “why” questions can easily become an accusation.
As a coach, I generally try to avoid asking “why” questions. I’ve seen the impact of leading with “why” and it’s usually not productive.
Asking “why” puts the other person in a defensive stance. From this defensive place, they will be less creative, less trusting and less open to new ideas.
Asking “why” leads to “because” answers. It’s an invitation for the other person to engage in explanation and justification which gets them even more attached to their current position.
If your goal is to open up space for a dynamic, creative and productive conversation, leave those “why” questions on the shelf. If you want to have a powerful conversation, try leading with a more powerful question.