It was early morning on July 4th when we discovered a problem with the washing machine. At some point during the four loads I had done the previous day, the washer had started leaking and dumped quite a lot of water onto the floor without us knowing it. The water went in between and under the floor planks and now the wood floor was damaged. And it was clear we would have to buy a new washer. So much for a relaxing holiday!
I could feel the waves of frustration rising and breaking over us. How much was this going to cost? Where would I find the time to research and buy a washer? Who was to blame? What can we do to salvage the floor? Who the hell puts wood flooring in a laundry room, anyway? (Not us.) THIS ISN’T FAIR!
We started sniping at each other, speaking in harsh tones and reacting to each other with growing frustration and anger. This crisis was about to ruin our holiday. And at that moment, I had a flash of insight. “Let’s decide right now how we want to remember this situation.”
When we look back on it, how do we want to remember this day? Will it be one we just want to forget, because of the argument that erupted over the stupid washing machine? Or will we recall fondly how we worked together to rise above the crisis, how we entertained each other by cracking jokes along the way, how we were kind and patient?
This reframing of an age-old problem made a difference for us. We decided in that moment that we wanted to remember this as a story of how we worked together and made a bad situation a little bit more bearable. We wanted to remember the day as a victory, rather than a defeat.
And so, we did. With that simple shift, we changed our behaviors. We interrupted the pattern that was playing out. Because we had an agreement about how we wanted to be, when either of us got irritated, the other simply said, “Choose your memory.” It was enough to bring us back to the pact we had made at 6 am.
As a result, we felt powerful and in control of the situation, and we went on to have a very lovely holiday! Since then, “Choose your memory,” has become a rally cry in our household. When things get tough, we encourage ourselves and each other to flash forward and think about how we want to remember this day, this hour, this moment. I hope “Choose your memory.” is helpful to you as well.