It’s Thanksgiving week, and people all over the U.S. are packing up to travel across the country or across town. Or maybe you’re opening your home, welcoming family and friends into your personal space. Perhaps not all of those relationships are in their finest form right now. Even when everyone is getting along well, tensions can still arise. Here are my top five tips for navigating these holiday gatherings.
1. Make and keep agreements. Don’t want to talk politics at the dinner table? Ask for an agreement about that. Need your kids to step up when it’s time to clean the kitchen? Talk about it in advance. Maybe your mom wants to be sure time is set aside to call Aunt Alice on Skype with everyone joining in. Making agreements allows you to set expectations about what you need from each other and what you are willing commit to each other. One of the most powerful agreements you can make is that you are willing to speak up and ask for what you need, which leads to the next tip…
2. Ask for what you need. Introverts may need some time alone to recharge without fear of being judged. Folks making the pilgrimage to their childhood home might want time to hang out with friends they haven’t seen in years. Whatever it is, you have the choice to either speak up or suffer in silence hoping someone will read your mind. They won’t. And it’s not their responsibility to read your mind. It’s your responsibility to ask for what you need.
3. Be Intentional. Each morning and before each event, take a few minutes to breathe and set your intentions for how you want to be. Maybe you want to be more patient, kind, helpful or curious. If what comes up is what you don’t want to be, try reaching for the opposite. For example, if you want to NOT be defensive, come up with what you DO want to be. Maybe it’s open, accepting or forgiving. You might also set intentions for what you want to do, such as playing DJ to keep the tunes coming, or making sure to include your socially awkward cousin in conversation. Choose a couple of intentions for your “to be” list and a couple for your “to do” list. By maintaining focus on just a few, you’re more likely to remember and follow through on your intentions.
4. Be Grateful. Have you ever noticed that you can’t be angry and grateful at the same time? It’s true! Practicing gratitude can increase your sense of positivity and peacefulness. Counting your blessings will shift your focus to what has gone right and all that you have to be grateful for. Be sure to include the big things (friends, family, pets) and some small things (mom’s chestnut dressing) when you make a written or mental gratitude list this holiday season.
5. Ask Questions. Genuine curiosity is the antidote to stilted conversation. Be prepared with a few questions to keep things lively, and really listen as people open up to share their stories. Here are a few that work well for the holiday season.
- What is your favorite holiday tradition, and why?
- What is the accomplishment you are most proud of from the past year, and why?
- Who is a person that has surprised or delighted you this year, and how?
- What are you most looking forward to in next year, and why?
Turn this into a game by writing out questions on small cards and scattering them around the dinner table. Or write out questions on slips of folded paper, put them in a bowl and periodically ask a guest to draw a question for everyone to answer.
How do you stay happy, centered and sane during the holidays? I’d love to hear your top tips.