The Antidote To Your Inner Critic

The Inner Leader

Last week I shared about the dangers of listening to your Inner Critic. It’s the little voice in your head that holds you to impossibly high standards, yet always can find something to fault.

But there’s a reason why high-achievers don’t want to let their Inner Critic go.

Let’s go back to the story about my client Charles. He believed his Inner Critic was the driving force behind his high standards…and therefore the source of his success.

But was it really?

Both he and his team were on the brink of burnout, exhausted by the constant criticism and beration from his Inner Critic.

So I posed the question…What if his success was not because of his Inner Critic, but in spite of it?

He didn’t realize it yet, but there was another voice inside Charles that was committed to success and high standards: his Inner Leader.

The Inner Leader: Your True Best Self

Your Inner Leader goes by many names. Some call it the best self or the true self. In my coach training I learned the term inner champion. 

But as a leadership coach, the term I like best is Inner Leader. It points to a part of our personality that can help us lead ourselves and lead others more effectively. 

When working with Charles, we discovered that holding high standards was an integral part of his personality. He was wired for success and quality work…and that wasn’t due to his Inner Critic. 

When Charles dedicated himself to amplifying the voice of his best self, his Inner Leader, he realized he could still hold high standards without expressing criticism at every turn. 

He began to relax and loosen that tight controlling grip on everyone and everything around him. And he started to trust his team more, celebrate the wins, while holding the “what can we do better next time” conversation for later. He didn’t avoid talking about the standards, but his approach and timing improved dramatically. 

The Inner Leader began to speak up more often as well. It softened Charles’ tendency to drive himself to the point of exhaustion. It encouraged him to be a bit more kind to himself. 

He didn’t get a personality transplant! The Inner Critic didn’t go away. But Charles was able to recognize it for what it is, consciously turn down its volume, and choose his Inner Leader instead.

The 8 C’s of the True Self

The IFS approach to psychotherapy poses the theory that our true self is characterized by 8 qualities:

1. Calm – A sense of inner peace and serenity.
2. Clarity – Seeing things as they are without distortion or confusion.
3. Curiosity – Genuine interest in understanding without judgment.
4. Compassion – Caring and concern for the pain of self or others.
5. Confidence – Trust in oneself.
6. Courage – Willingness to take difficult action or to face pain or fear.
7. Creativity – Openness to new solutions and ways of being.
8. Connectedness – A sense of being linked to others and to the larger whole.

On a basic level, think of it this way: when you’re grounded in the 8 C’s, your Inner Leader is driving the bus. When you notice the absence of these C’s, then perhaps another version of you has taken the wheel.

On a deeper level, the 8 C’s can help you gauge your inner dialogue and notice how loud or quiet the voice of your Inner Leader is. Today you may feel rather confident and courageous. But tomorrow your anxious side might be the loudest voice in your head, leading your confidence and courage to drop. The next day, your Inner Critic might be raging in your head, drowning out the other voices and crippling your confidence further. 

Noticing the presence or the absence of the 8 C’s can help you recognize which voice you are listening to, and whether the loudest voice is your Inner Leader…or not.

Putting It Into Practice

First, learn how to listen to your Inner Leader. 

How do you know when your Inner Leader is speaking to you? That’s a tough question to answer. The 8 C’s is a good place to start, but it takes some intuition and practice to know for sure.

For many of us, it can sound like a whisper that encourages us to do the right thing, especially when the right thing is not the easy thing. If you practice a particular spiritual or religious practice, your Inner Leader might represent your connection to God.

Personally, I think of my Inner Leader as the part of me that fully expresses my core values. For example, it’s the one that tells me to calm down and prioritize the relationship when I’m in a confrontation.

Second, give your Inner Leader the chance to speak.

You don’t have to believe the Inner Leader or follow its advice, but give it a moment and listen. 

I especially encourage my clients to listen for the Inner Leader when their Inner Critic is loud. The Inner Leader is the antidote to the Inner Critic, and can often counteract the Critic’s negative impacts. 

The more you do this, the louder and more consistently your Inner Leader will speak up. Over time, the Inner Leader may become louder and more prevalent in your inner dialogue than the Inner Critic. 

That’s the goal!

*For privacy purposes, client names have been changed. Charles is not the real name of this client.

**I am not a therapist. Although I mention IFS in this email, this is not something I teach, and if you are interested in learning more I suggest seeing a trained IFS therapist.