Why Being Trustworthy Isn’t Enough

Do you consider yourself trustworthy?

I’ll bet you do. Most leaders do!

But if being trustworthy was enough to earn people’s trust, and everyone (in their own estimation at least) is trustworthy, then why isn’t the world overflowing with trust-filled relationships?

Something doesn’t add up!

That’s because we’re missing a crucial part of the equation. Being trustworthy isn’t the whole story.

The Lone Wolf

My client, Sam* prided himself on being hard-working and self-sufficient. He did what he said he would do, and others knew they could count on him.

By all available measures, Sam was extremely trustworthy on the job. But Sam generally resisted being reliant on others. He was a lone wolf!

So, when Sam started coaching with me, he lamented that his relationships at work felt shallow and transactional. He wanted to feel more connected and have a deeper sense of shared purpose with his teammates.

I knew exactly what Sam was describing. I’d lived it.

Like Sam, I protected myself from potential harm by hiding behind the thick armor of self-reliance. I maintained the illusion of strength by avoiding vulnerability.

My results were much like Sam’s. My co-workers and I held each other at arm’s length, never quite feeling like we were on the same team.

The Two-Way Street of Trust

In The Thin Book of Trust, Charles Feltman defines trust as “Choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

Did you catch that? Trust IS vulnerability. You can’t get to trust without making yourself vulnerable.

And what I’ve learned from experience is that trust in a relationship requires reciprocity. For two people to trust each other, they each need to be worthy of that trust AND they each need to extend trust to the other.

Both need to be vulnerable for authentic trust to flourish.

Because if I’m unwilling to trust (to make myself vulnerable to) you, how will you feel safe to extend that trust and vulnerability to me?

This isn’t a transaction, it’s an energetic exchange, a two-way street that builds relationships and unleashes potential.

Addressing the Fear

You might be thinking that this whole vulnerability thing is likely to blow up in your face if you blindly trust a teammate and they really screw up.

But this isn’t about suddenly dropping all standards or oversight and hoping for the best. You can still create clarity of expectations and hold people accountable.

In fact, trust in the relationship will make those things easier.

Trust can look like believing in their capabilities and providing oversight and support along the way to ensure the goals are reached.

The fear that stops many leaders from extending trust is this: What if something goes wrong and I wasn’t watching?

That’s where the structure of scheduled check-ins can provide a safety net for both of you.

Framework: Check-Ins as a Trust-Building Tool

When I teach delegation and knowledge transfer in Thriving Leaders Circle, we always cover elements of the timeline, such as milestones, check-ins, soft deadlines, and final deadlines.

The most important of these for building trust is the check-in.

A check-in is a pre-scheduled meeting or touch-base where the person to whom you’ve delegated the project will report back on their progress and bring their questions.

It’s the perfect opportunity for you, the leader, to give feedback, especially if you notice the project is off track or not meeting the standard.

Knowing there is an established point in time when you will review progress and address roadblocks can help calm the leader’s anxiety of not knowing.

It helps to keep the leader from checking in or micromanaging, which can feel to their teammate like a lack of trust.

And it signals clearly to the employee that there will be support along the way. They know they are not alone.

They are more likely to hold any non-urgent questions for the check-in, which saves time and minimizes interruptions for both parties.

The structure helps build trust rather than eroding it.

Putting it Into Practice

Try it out this week with one direct report on one specific project.

➡️ After discussing the project and ensuring they are clear on what success looks like, tell them explicitly: “I trust you on this.” Say it out loud. Most people are waiting to hear it, and most leaders don’t say it often enough.

➡️ Build the project timeline together, including one or more scheduled check-ins, and put them on the calendar right then.

➡️ Don’t reach out in between. Let the commitment do the work. If something genuinely urgent arises, you’ll hear about it. The check-in isn’t abandonment. It’s structured trust, and there’s a real difference between the two.

Notice what it feels like to give someone that space.

Do you feel discomfort at releasing the control? Can you see any difference in how they respond?

Don’t judge. Just pay attention and notice.

Lean Into Vulnerability

The check-in is one small way to extend trust to a direct report.

Ultimately, if you want to have a genuinely trust-based relationship with another human, you’ll have to make something you care about vulnerable to their actions.

Notice where you are hiding behind protective armor to keep yourself “safe”.

We all have ways that we protect ourselves. Recognizing when and where you’re doing this in your work relationships is a great first step toward breaking down those walls and fostering more trust.

*Client names and identifying details have been changed to protect their confidentiality.